Copied and pasted test from the Village Voice under the cut...
Dear Dan: For some reason, I have always found Native Americans to be sexually attractive. But the whole semi-dark skin and traditional breechcloth thing doesn't seem to be easy to find in porn or real life. I was wondering if you had some pointers for someone with a bad case of Native American Jungle Fever. There seems to be a distinct lack of Natives going about in basic buckskin "dress" these days.
"The letter writer is correct," says Sherman Alexie, the National Book Award–winning author who was willing to demean himself and risk career suicide by giving me a quote. "There is a dearth of Native American porn."
But Alexie tells me that once, while hunting for antique board games, he typed "cowboy and Indian action figures" into Google and found his way to a site that featured U.S. Cavalry soldiers and loinclothed Indians smoking more than peace pipes. But that's all he's got for us, pornwise. As for real life . . .
"There's just no way your reader is going to find an Indian willing to put on a loincloth for sexual purposes," says Alexie. "Unless that Indian is a seriously damaged, culturally disconnected, politically unaware, and unsafe-sex-practicing slut.
"I part ways with Alexie here. Not because I know more about Native Americans, Native American issues, or Native American kinks. Goodness, no. But over the years, I've heard from way too many healthy, politically aware, and sexually safe African-Americans who dig role-playing slavery scenarios—and too many good Jews who get off on concentration-camp scenarios, and too many polite Canadians who get off on clueless-American-tourist scenarios ("Ooh, ask me who our 'president' is again!")—to rule out the possibility that there is a kind, decent, safe Native American genuinely interested in role-playing cowboys-and-injuns. Or cowboys-in-injuns, and vice-versa. But they're gonna be rare, NA.
So what can you do to up your odds? "If the letter writer is an attractive blond female," says Alexie, "she can head to the next powwow in the region where she lives, pick out a handsome fancy-dancer, and hit on him. She'll either get laid in the back of a casino-money-financed SUV, or she'll get assaulted by a roving band of Indian women looking to protect our most precious and dwindling resource: Native American men."
Dear Dan: I need to know: What bodily function is the opposite of an orgasm? Thanks a lot.
"Though it's not exactly a bodily function, the back spasm is the opposite of an orgasm," says Sherman Alexie, the National Book Award–winning author.
"Why did he send that question to Alexie?" some of my readers are no doubt asking themselves. That, of course, is a question that only a thoughtless bigot would ask, and I probably shouldn't dignify it with a response. But let's approach this as a teaching moment, shall we? I sent this question along to Alexie because the National Book Award–winning author is the father of two and, we can reasonably extrapolate, the haver of orgasms, which more than qualifies him to field it. OK, back to Alexie:
"While the orgasm is the pleasurable release of stress, the back spasm is the painful reminder of collected and unexpelled stress. I am currently typing one-handed because I am shoving my fist deep into my lower back as some sort of half-assed pressure-point massage. Of course, since the U.S. has become a chair-and-computer culture, the number of people who are currently massaging their wrecked backs is vastly larger than the number who are massaging their sexual organs."
And when you pause to consider that all of the U.S. and most of Canada were basically built on top of a giant Indian graveyard, I'd say we're getting off easy with a little lower-back pain.